By John Moore
Jan. 2, 2013
For the past eight years, a giant Scottish parrot psychologist named Scott has joined in with a band of endearing young superheroes whose crime-fighting escapades have been lovingly chronicled in “Trunks,” Buntport Theater’s award-winning, bi-weekly live comic-book serial for all ages.
Through more than 100 episodes, audiences have become as helplessly smitten with Trixie Truddfelt, Walter Cosmic and Scott the Parrot as the poor people of Dendiggityopolis trying to overcome the current epidemic of antibiotic-resistant bacteria with … antibiotics. Resistance is futile.
In honor of the beloved series’ upcoming final three episodes — Jan. 12, Jan. 26 and Feb. 9, CultureWest decided it was (flying) high time to ferret the parrot. I mean, ferret out the story of Scott the Parrot, the most mysterious and least-fleshed of all the series regulars.
And like any good journalists, we went straight to the source. We requested an interview with Scott the Parrot, only to discover that there are at least 36 shady characters out there who claim to be “the real” Scott Parrot. Or at least to have donned the famous Parrot head in an episode of “Trunks.”
Thus began the long, arduous task of compiling the autobiography of a single bird – who lives in the wings of 36 humans. Some of those birds have flown south for the winter (which does not mean they are necessarily dead; we just could not find them.) But we did cage 26 Scotts long enough to get enough autobiographical details out of each to piece together a pretty fair fowl life story; one filled with wonder, frequent-flier miles, and ultimately … true love.
So here, for the first time anywhere, we present … the absolutely true, unverified, unvetted, completely ridiculous and unauthorized autobiography of … Scott the Parrot:
“THE STORY OF SCOTT … A PSYCHOLOGICAL TRILLER”
Many miles away, something crawled to the surface of a dark Scottish Loch. (author: Walter Cosmic, a.k.a., Mitch Slevc)
The wee creature shook itself from head to foot, flinging off the muck of the deep. Just as the scrappy bairn gulped its first, delicious breaths of foggy air … (Jessica Robblee)
… a thought popped into his newly formed mind: (Evan Weissman)
“To properly fight crime, I will need an awesome nickname.” (Geoff Kent)
His eyes narrowed and scoured the unfamiliar landscape for inspiration, unaware of the gigantic figure just beginning to break the surface of the water right behind him. (Sean Mellott)
Just as he was thinking, “Foggy Air is not as catchy as I want it to be” … (Erin Rollman)
… the figure behind him whispered — a low, guttural, LochNesian sound. “SCOTT.” …
“Honk?” (Josh Hartwell)
“Honk, honk, honk. Honk….honk, honk. Honk! Honk!” (Brian Colonna)
“I am so confused by my own muteness, that I don’t know whether I said, “Honk,” or the figure behind me said, “Honk,” but I DO KNOW that SCOTT is a great name.” And with that thought, the newly christened Scott the Parrot took wing and bade farewell to the goose or Nessie — or whatever that thing was behind him. (GerRee Hinshaw)
He felt so free flying through the jetstream, free as a crime-fighting bird brought up in the halls of Scotland Yard one might say, until a stray spitball from a middle-school lunchroom pelted his wing, and sent him hurtling toward Earth … (Tyee Tilghman)
… in a breakneck spiral. Scott was confused, as centrifugal force had not been properly explained to him, yet he remained calm and righted his path. It was then that the young parrot understood the concept of courage. He continued his flight and pondered this notion, which was a mistake as Scott should have been watching out for … (Mike Marlow)
… highway signs. Crash! Scott found himself sitting by the side of the road, looking dizzily at a green rectangle. Den… the letters slowly, spinningly resolved themselves… Dendigitty … He knew this place. In his heart, he knew what the letters would someday mean to him… Dendigittyop… He knew more things, too. Dendigittyopolis. He knew how to read. He knew how his mind worked. Dendigittyopolis… He knew the deepest secrets of criminal psychology: What makes some people super-villains, some super-heroes. Dendigittyopolis … He knew himself. He knew this place. Dendiggityopolis… He was home. (John Kissingford)
Now, to find food. Somehow in the many hours since his birth, he had kept the instinct to scavenge for sustenance at bay. All at once, he heard it; a primal yet bird-like bellow, welling up from within: “SCOTT, WWAPPD?” (What Would An Amazonian Parrot Psychologist Do?) Looking down at his right wing, he found he was clutching a little toy horn, his only means of communicating with the outside world. But communicate he must, if he was to survive. (Kate Kissingford)
The “Star Wars” theme song began to play, and with slow-motion movements that filled the air with tension and deep meaning down to the tip of each faux fur feather, he raised his toy horn as high as his short wings would allow. Then, with a boldness unseen in any parrot that had come before him, and a fierceness no parrot would possess after him, Scott squeezed that purple toy horn with a clarity and precision that shook the world over. His message? “Bring me a Hostess Twinkie before they disappear from this Earth forever! Only Hostess can aid me in the crime-fighting crusade Fate has laid down before my webbed feet!” (Adrian Egolf)
And from the void, summoned by Scott, as if on a mission from Fate … Not one, not two, but three delicious baked golden snack cakes appeared. The creamy-white filling called out to the famished parrot with a sweet siren song that sounded like … (Stuart Sanks)
… the pure rhythms of sweet, perfect love. In his heart, the familiar refrain began: “She’s just a small-town girl, living in a craaazzyyy woooorrrllld.” So overcome was Scott by this tsunami of passion, tears welled in his eyes. He grew verklempt; his throat closed up, his eyes clouded and he gave an involuntary sniffle, as if he was about to sneeze. “I can help you with that sniffle,” spoke a sweet, gentle voice. Scott looked up from his reverie to see the most beautiful creature he had ever laid eyes upon. She was tall and striking, voluptuous and sensual. Her hair shimmered in the moonlight. (He had been lost in thought a long time, and night had fallen), and she stood like the alabaster goddess of a long forgotten religion. And standing next to this incredible, perfect specimen was Trixie Truddfelt. The woman of his dreams. Scott Parrot was in love. “Honk?” he stammered, offering Trixie a snack-cake. (Jack Wefso)
Trixie looked at the gift, reached out her hand, and then stopped. “Wait!” she said. “Are those gluten-free?” she queried. “Cuz I’m on this diet where I can’t have gluten and starch and stuff. Last night, I had steak and pickles but I can’t have bready things, like … Never mind.” She finished and took the snack from Scott’s outstretched claw, stuffing the whole treat into her mouth. … (Drew Horwitz)
…And right then and there, as she skillfully consumed the soon-to-be extinct Twinkie in one colossal bite, he knew his life had been changed forever… (Laura Jo Trexler)
No longer would Scott be tempted by outdated pastries. He would dedicate his life to truth, justice and a chain of truck-stop locations throughout the Midwest specializing in hot coffee and good service, and they would be called “Scotty Barns.” Although he would always feel he could have thought of a better name. (Erik Edborg)
As per his usual morning ritual, he would dump out the used coffee grounds into the compost bin in the alleyway behind the original Scotty Barn, now a Dendigityopolus historical landmark. As he was heading back into his office to reprimand Johnson for not cleaning his corner, something struck Scott’s head and sent him spinning. The last thing he could remember was a droning, BEEP BEEP BEEP sound — and the letters T.R.O.Y. Could a starship be nearby? (Marc Hughes)
Scott opened his eyes to see tiny versions of himself circling around his own throbbing head. He blinked to clear his vision, and saw he was no longer behind his beloved Scotty Barn. Jumpin’ Sugarjets! He’d woken up in the Badlands! Lands that were home to the really, really bad … (Lindsey Pierce)
… which is the kids’ way of saying “good” … Vision Quest! Could it be true? Was Scott to remain here seeking answers to the deepest questions within himself, and therefore, the universe? And if he was gone for an extended period of time, who would man the Scotty Barns or keep Johnson in his corner? After several intense days, he knew what was required of him: First, he should change coffee suppliers because there was something really strange in that last cup of coffee he drank. And second, while Scotty Barns were important, crime-fighting needed him, too. He was to be part of a team. Soon, with the help of his superpowers, newly found wisdom and spirit guide MacCaw, he knew he must return to Dendigittyopolis once again. But how? (Laura Norman)
As one might expect in the Badlands, there was also no WiFi. Scotty noticed a strange device strapped to his lack-of-wrist and suddenly remembered the BEEP BEEP BEEP sound. “Dunno what this Beepy-Beepy is exactly, but my parrot-sense tells me it’s for communication, and now it doesn’t work!” Despondent, Scott sadly sank his beak into another golden snack cake. As he morosely chewed the dearly departed delicacy, he was suddenly inspired again by its fluffy filling: Of curse … The Cloud! “If my Beepy-Beepy can’t reach The Cloud via the traditional route, surely I can use my uniquely avian prowess to fly the contraption itself directly into The Cloud!” (Catnip Frederick)
But just as Scott began to flap his green, fluffy wings towards The Cloud … “Scott!” a golden voice cried out that could only belong to that golden haired, golden tight-wearing, golden goddess of goldiness. “Trixie!” Scott honked. But as he turned to greet his beloved he saw another figure there as well. Standing beside Trixie was an impossibly good-looking good guy. Scott knew immediately that a man with a great head of hair like that could only have one name. “Scott, I’d like to introduce you to…” “…Walter.” Scott finished. (Jamie Ann Romero)
And then, by means of fate, impossible coincidence or the overlapping of parallel universes, all three heroes began to speak the exact same words at the exact same time: “Guys, we should totally form a super-team together. “Whoa! I was thinking the same thing, and then you said it at the same time as me!” “Whoa! You did it again!” “This is super weird!” “Stop talking at the same time as me!” “No, YOU stop!” “No, YOU!” The three looked at each other with a knowing … understanding of purpose, much akin to the first man who stood with a knife and a loaf of bread and thought, “Hhmmm … What if I sliced this?” Walter thrust his right hand into the circle and declared, “I’ve really got to go to the bathroom. But first, how about we call ourselves the CRIME-” … Trixie placed her hand on top of Walter’s, and confidently exclaimed, “FIGHTING-” … They both looked to Scott, who placed his right wing on top of the other two hands, took a deep breath, and honked, “CRUSADERS!!!” Scott would remember many things about that moment: The hot Badlands breeze kicking sand around his ankles. The feeling that he was now a part of something legendary. The sound of a marching band in the distance … But most of all, he remembered her hand. Her sweet, nerdy little hand. (Matt Zambrano)
Many a feathered polly hath swooned but all in vain for in the history of love, there was never a love so strong and pure than that love between the sweet Scottish bird and his Germy super girl. (Rhaetia Hanscum)
Together, along with a host of superheroes and sidekicks, they would fight in the name of truth, justice and all things Shiny. And sometimes, when the moon is at its highest point in the sky, and the smell of the cracker factory wafts throughout the Dendiggityoplis Valley … you can hear the sound of bagpipes being gleefully bellowed until the wee hours of the morning. And you think to yourself, “That sounds like it’s coming from a 6-foot-tall Amazonian-Scottish-Parrot Pyschologist.”
And you’d be right … (Group ending)
THE END
“TRUNKS”
Through Feb. 9: Buntport’s ongoing, award-winning, biweekly children’s serial about three young superheroes (and their giant Scottish parrot psychologist) cleaning up the streets of Dendiggityopolis is completing its final season. New episodes are written under a tight schedule and performed every other Saturday, based on audience suggestions. Featuring a rotating cast of guest stars. Next episode at 1 p.m. and 3 p.m. on Saturday, Jan. 12. Recommended for ages 4 and up. Tickets $5-$7. Discounts if you come dressed as a superhero. No credit cards accepted.
717 Lipan St., Denver, 720-946-1388 or buntport’s home page
THE BIRD BRAINS
The following actors have donned Scott the Parrot head since 2005:
Broderick Ballantyne
Valerie Bustos
Brian Colonna
Hannah Duggan
Erik Edborg
John Felber
Catnip Frederick
Rhaetia Hanscum
Josh Hartwell
GerRee Hinshaw
Drew Horwitz
Marc Hughes
Misha Johnson
Geoff Kent
John Kissingford
Kate Kissingford
Appolonia Koleis
Jimmy Levy
Mike Marlow
Sean Mellott
Katie Micek
Laura Norman
Lindsey Pierce
Jessica Robblee
Erin Rollman
Jamie Ann Romero
Stuart Sanks
Mike Skillern
Mitch Slevc
Macarthur Stine
Tyee Tilghman
Laura Jo Trexler
Justin Webb
Jack Wefso
Evan Weissman
Matt Zambrano
THE WRITERS
